The day that David and Brie arrived home, they were greeted the same they had been after their last few trips by their grandchildren- with elation. They were both nearly knocked down by the stampeding children ages ranging from twelve to 2. “We’re happy to see all of you too, kids”, they laughed. “Now, let us go put out things away and there may be surprises for all of you from Israel”, David continued.
“Why is it that the grandkids get surprises from Israel and your own children don’t?” James joked.
“Because you’re all grown asses”, Brie said simply as she made her way up the stairs to put her suitcase in the room she shared with her husband. “Anyway, we didn’t spoil you so that you would all grow up to be productive members of society. It’s not our job to raise your children to be productive members of society- it’s yours. Therefore, we’ll spoil the hell out of your kids and leave it up to you to make sure that they all turn out balanced.” She looked at her husband. “How was that, baby?”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself”, David responded with a smile. He looked at his children. “What your mother said”, he said and continued up to the stairs behind his wife.
“It’s nice to have them home”, Jake said after his parents had disappeared upstairs.
“You can say that again”, Jordan laughed. “I’ve missed seeing Mom and Dad the past couple of weeks.”
“I’m sure they haven’t missed us, though”, Maddie laughed.
“Of that, big sister, I’m almost certain”, Jeremiah said with a chuckle. “I think the only people that our parents missed are their grandchildren.”
“That’s because they’re the grandkids and you’re all the kids”, Jona said. It was one of those smartass opportunities that she, like her father, just couldn’t turn down.
“Well, just because they’re the grandkids doesn’t make them special”, James said with a laugh.
“I think the term grandchild implies that they’re special”, Jona replied.
“And Jona’s right about that”, Brie laughed as she carried gift bags down the stairs for the grandchildren with David right behind her. “The very term grandchild in and of itself implies that those kids are special.”
Once they were seated on their couch, David called to the grandchildren. “If you’re under the age of fifteen, I want you to make a big ole semicircle around Gramma and me.” Once the kids were all seated at their feet, the proud Gramma and Grampa made busy giving each of their grandchildren the gift they’d gotten them either in Israel, in Egypt, or on the trip home.
For Isaiah, there was a model set that he could use to build the Sphinx. He thought it was the coolest thing he’d ever seen.
Miranda got a small vile of Egyptian Jasmine perfumed oil to wear for her dance recitals. “It smells so pretty”, she said. “I love it, Gramma and Grampa. Thank you both so much.” There was also a set of ankle bells from India. She loved those too.
“You’re welcome, Miranda”, they said in unison. “Maybe in your dance classes you can convince your teacher to teach you all how to belly dance.”, Brie said with a laugh.
“Actually, she’s thinking about it. She’s been taking belly dancing classes that teach, basically traditional dances from India and she wants to teach us how to do the same.”
“Well, if she does, I have a friend from Bali who can get you guys and girl all of the traditional garb.”
“Really Gramma?”
“Yeah. You know my friend Sanjay who used to come get massage all the time?”
“Yeah. Didn’t his wife Malia teach you some ancient form of massage they do over there?”
“Yep. And Sanjay used to dance Chorus line in a lot of Bali- wood films.”
“And he’d let us use the garb?”
“If I asked nicely and got a guarantee from your teacher that it would be treated with respect, then I’m sure he would.”
“Do you think he’d teach us?”
“All I can do is ask, Miranda. I can’t make promises though.”
“All I’m asking is that you ask. If I can get my teacher to agree to it, then our next recital is going to be insanely awesome!!”
Brie and David laughed at the enthusiasm of their oldest granddaughter.
The other grandkids all loved their gifts. There was a plethora of different things for each of them to enjoy. A doll for Miri, a hacky sack for Ira and Levi, a remote control race car for Elijah and Hunter; the children were all content with the gifts their grandparents had gotten them.
“Ira, would you like Daddy to teach you how to play with that silly thing”, Jake laughed as he watched his son try to figure out what to do with the hacky sack.
“Please, Daddy?” Ira asked.
“Would Uncle Jake mind teaching Levi while he’s at it?” Jordan whispered to her twin.
“No problem, Jord. Uncle Jake is on the case.” He looked to his son and nephew. “Ira, Levi; let’s go out on the back porch. I’ll teach you how to play hacky sack.”
“Oh, I’ve got to see if he’s still got it”, Brie said and she started to stand.
“Let me know; will you, baby?” David asked with a grin.
“Of course.”
He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.” His eyes searched the room for his youngest daughter. “Jessykah”, he said sternly. “My office, now. Beat me there.” Jessi was out of her seat in a matter of seconds and running up the stairs to her father’s office. When he got there she was sitting in one of the chairs in front of his desk, her back straight and her hands resting in her lap. She was sitting starkly at attention. “Jessi, relax. You act as though I’m about to send you away to military school or something.” She visibly relaxed. “Did you give Jeremy my message?”
“Yes, sir. He’s excited to meet you.”
“Why hasn’t he made the effort before the invitation.”
“He said that he was taught to wait to be invited in before coming in for coffee.”
David nodded. “I get that, I guess. Now, as for you and your behavior a couple of days ago”, he said before clearing his throat. “I’m not going to kick you out of the house. I haven’t done that with any of your siblings. Why should I start with you? BUT, on the other hand, you should have listened and done what I said. Something could have happened to you and I would have been on the war path. Do you understand what I’m getting at?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. Now, you owe your brothers all an apology for getting them out in the weather the other night looking for you. Marc sounded a little hoarse when your mother and I came in.”
She nodded again. “Yes, sir. I’ll apologize.”
“Good girl. Now, go on. If you had plans for the night, I suggest you cancel them. You mother and I wanted a family dinner tonight.”
She smiled. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Daddy.” She jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you, Daddy. I’m sorry I didn’t listen and I’m glad you’re home.”
He smiled. “I love you too, baby girl. Now, get out of here before you get your dad to start crying.” She ran from the room and he sat down at his desk, rubbing a hand over his face. For the love of God, I hope my boys are wrong about you Jeremy Caldwell, he thought as he read the headline of the most recent e-paper from his email. If my sons are right about you, boy, you’re going to wish that you had never looked at my baby girl; let alone touched her. You will rue the day you pissed me off, boy. Mark my words. At least one of my boys would love to beat you senseless for hurting their baby sister. And, I won’t stop them. Not on your life will I stop them.
---------------
The next day, Jeremy “Remy” Caldwell made his debut at the Draiman homestead. He rode up on a motorcycle that looked like it had been designed by the Orange County Choppers. The long handle bars were at his eye level and the front tire stuck way out. The boys heard him pull up and were out the door in seconds to encircle him on the bike. James, being the football player of the bunch, stood in front with his brother in law Colton close at hand. Malachai stood at the rear. Jake, Marc, and Jeremiah took different sides. “You must be Jeremy”, Jake said with distaste.
“That’s my name, son, don’t wear it out”, he said.
“For one, I am not your son. My father is inside. For two, I don’t like you. In case you don’t know who we are; we’re your girlfriend’s brothers- most of us are her older brothers. Now, there are a few rules you need to know before we allow you to walk inside our father’s house. One, you step out of line just once, and you will answer to us. Two, when my father speaks to you, you look him in the eye. Three, when he asks you a questions, it’s ‘yes, sir’, or ‘no, sir’. If it’s my mother addressing you, it’s ‘yes, ma’am’ or ‘no, ma’am’. Four, disrespect any woman in that house and you’re a dead man. Do I make myself perfectly fucking clear?”
Jeremy just looked at Jake with amusement. “He asked you a fucking question, slimeball”, Marc barked.
Jeremy looked over his shoulder to see Marc. “I heard him, Marky, and I’m getting to him. But you first. Who the hell do you think you are calling me a slimeball?”
“I’m your girlfriend’s brother, and guess what, asshole. It’s my house. I live here. You’re a guest and you will follow the rules or I’ll personally beat you to shit.”
“You and what army?”
Jake put a hand up in front of Marc so that he didn’t respond. “He’s not worth losing your temper, Marc.” Marc took a deep breath as Jake continued. “You’re already off on a really bad foot, Jeremy. Were I you, I’d be on my best behavior when you walk through that door or my father will chew you up and spit out your bones, then have my mother make a stock out of them. Remember, Jeremy Caldwell, we’re watching you.” They all stepped back and let Jeremy get off of his bike and head into the house.
Jessi bounded for the door when she heard him come in. “Hi, Remy”, she said with a smile and kissed his cheek.
“Hey, baby”, he said with disinterest. “Where’s your Dad?”
“He’s in his office. He’ll be down soon”, Brie said as she came out of the kitchen.
“I didn’t ask you”, Remy responded.
“Excuse me? Do you know who you’re speaking to, boy?”
“I assume one of Jessi’s sisters…”
“Umm, no. I’m her mother. And even if I were one of her sisters, you don’t speak to anyone in this house that way. Do I make myself understood, young man?”
Jeremy had that amused look on his face. “Baby, which of your sisters is she? She’s fucking funny.”
“That’s my mother, Remy”, Jessi said in shock. “Don’t speak to her that way.”
“You’d be wise to take your girlfriend’s advice”, David said from the stairwell. “And I can see why Jessi hasn’t brought you over sooner. You’re a disrespectful little fucker.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “You owe my wife an apology, boy. Get on with it.”
“And who the hell are you?”
“I’m the man you claim to be a modern version of and I said that you owe my wife an apology. I suggest you do so before my boys drag you outside and give you a lesson in manners.”
“I’m not apologizing to someone’s bitch.”
And that was the end of the pleasantries. Marc, who had just walked in the door, took off running in Remy’s direction and tackled him from behind. Grabbing a handful of the spikes Remy wore on top of his head, Marc proceeded to beat the boy’s face into the carpet. “YOU LOW LIFE PIECE OF SHIT!” he screamed as he turned Remy’s face into hamburger meat. “YOU WERE FUCKING WARNED! YOU WON’T DISRESPECT PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU’RE GOING TO LEARN MANNERS IF I HAVE TO BEAT THEM INTO YOU!” Marc continued to beat the boy’s face into the carpet of the living room as his brother’s pried him off of their baby sister’s boyfriend.
When Remy got to his feet, he screamed, “AREN’T ANY OF YOU GOING TO CALL THE POLICE?! HE JUST ASSULTED ME!”
“Not on your life, son”, David said serenely. “You’re in my house now. You follow my rules. Now, if you’d like my daughter Madison can tend to your wounds, but that’s about all that’s going to happen. Why do you think I live in the middle of nowhere? No one can hear you scream.” He added a maniacal laugh at the end for dramatic effect and the boys all echoed him. They knew that their father was doing. He was playing up the image that he’d developed for himself over the years. When one makes themselves out to be a maniac, then people tend to think they are a maniac.
Remy was showing the first signs of fear as he listened to the Draiman men’s maniacal laughter. “You really are crazy”, he said with a shaking voice.
“What was your first clue?” David said with an evil glint in his eyes. “Was it the straitjackets I used to wear onto the stage before the Utopians took over? Didn’t you know that they had just let me out for those tours? I was escorted around the country in an armored vehicle to all of those shows. I had to be sedated in between shows or I went completely out of my mind and went after the audience. I’m better medicated now, but I’m still just as fucking loony as I was back then. Hell, I may even be worse in my old age.” None of it was true, but Remy Caldwell didn’t know that.
“And the muzzle?”
“Wasn’t just for show either. I’m certifiably insane, son. Now, apologize to my wife before we make you for dinner.”
“I’m sorry for the way I spoke, Mrs. Draiman.”
Brie pulled out her crazy bitch within as well. She wasn’t the outright violent kind of crazy. She was the kind of crazy that was prone to violent outbursts. She just stared off into the distance and hummed a pretty little tune, then fell to the floor and started rocking back and forth. She’d been standing there humming for a while. When the boy addressed her directly, she played scared and sat on the floor to rock and mumble to herself. “Look at what you did, boy!” David shouted. “You scared her and now she’s locked away in her mind again. You’ve never been around crazy people, have you?”
Remy shook his head. “No, sir.”
“Well, my wife’s form of psychosis is prone to violent outbursts. She’ll go loca here in a minute and go after anyone and everyone.” He looked at Jordan. “Jordan, take your mother into the Kitchen. Madison, help her out and make your mother a glass of chamomile.”
Everyone was in on the charade. Jordan and Maddie pulled out their bobesy twins’ routine and spoke in perfect unison. “Yes, Father”, they said in very monotone voices. They even moved in perfect unison as they picked their mother up under the arms and “helped” her into the kitchen. Not five minutes later, as David was talking to Remy about the “simple” rules he had for dating one of his daughters, a blood curdling scream issued forth from the kitchen and all hell broke loose in the Draiman house.
---------------
Once Brie was “calmed down” from her “psychotic break” and “properly medicated”, Remy joined the family in the kitchen as Brie made dinner. Delilah helped and tried to keep a straight face. She knew it was all a façade that the family was putting on to scare Jeremy. As Brie cut up the vegetables for her salad, she accidentally cut her finger. But, rather than head to the bathroom to treat it, she brought it up in front of her face and stared at it as she continued to play her part. “Ooh, pretty”, she said.
Delilah took the knife from her mother in law’s hand. “Come on, Mom, we have to doctor that finger now.”
“Why?” Brie asked, her voice vacant.
“Because we don’t want to get blood all over the food.”
“But why not?”
“Because not everybody eats like we do around here, Brie”, Jona said as she helped Delilah take Brie from the kitchen. Jona figured that if everyone else was doing it, she might as well join that club.
“But why waste all that pretty blood?” Brie asked as the girls took her from the kitchen. “Can I at least lick it?”
“No, Mom, you can’t lick the blood”, Delilah said as she fought to keep a straight face. “We don’t want the guest to puke do we?”
“Ooh, the boy puked? Fresh sauce for the pasta!” The last was a little sing song and scared Remy more than he wanted to admit.
The girls got Brie into the downstairs bathroom where she started laughing so hard she was crying. “Oh, this is too much fun. I haven’t had this much fun since the day of the first band bar-b- queue I was a part of. Oh man, that shopping trip was a blast.”
“What happened?” Delilah asked.
“It was just before I found out I was pregnant with Jake and Jordan. The guys and their wives came over and we had a band bar-b-queue. Well, of course, before hand, David and I had to go to the grocery store. There were these boys who just couldn’t keep their eyes off of me and they were talking amongst themselves asking what a girl like me was going with a guy like David. Well, we fucked with those boys hardcore. David told them that I had good taste knew money when I smelled it. I told them that David was probably better in bed than either of them would ever be. It was too much fun.” By the time Brie was done with her story, Delilah had cleaned the wound and covered it with a bandage after putting a little salve on it. The salve was herbal and made with calendula and comfrey root.
“Are we ready to back to scaring the living shit out of Jessi’s loser boyfriend?” Delilah asked.
“I am”, Brie said. “I’m just wanting him to admit to David that he was using Jessi to get a contract. David’s going to let the boys loose on him then.”
“And I’m betting Marc’s going to be the first to finish taking his piece of Jeremy’s ass from him”, Delilah laughed.
----------------
Meanwhile, David sat at the Kitchen table watched Remy’s responses to everything that was going on. He knew that the shock factor was working. He made sure the he still had that psycho look in his eyes before he spoke again. “So, Jeremy, what are you intentions with Jessykah?” he asked while his wife was getting her finger doctored.
Jeremy wasn’t paying attention to anything other than what he had just seen. Jeremiah smacked his palms against the table. “Hey fucker”, he said in his best crazy voice, “someone’s speaking to you.” Jeremy looked at him with a vacant look on his face. Lights were on, but no one was home. Jeremiah was going to scare him back to reality. With a crazy gleam in his eye, he made his way around the table with the salt and pepper shakers and started to “season the fresh meat”.
“Jeremiah!” David barked. “What are you doing?”
“He’s scared senseless, Dad. We might as well eat him now so that the meat doesn’t go to waste.”
“No, please don’t”, Remy cried. Tears actually started to roll down his cheeks.
“Why shouldn’t we?”
“Because I’m going to change my ways, I swear!” Remy sobbed.
“What do you mean, you’re going to change your ways?” David asked.
“I was just trying to get close to Jessi to get to you. I just wanted a record deal for my band. I’m no you, Mr. Draiman, sir. I’ll never be you. I don’t think I could ever be this crazy.”
David’s eyes widened at the revelations. “Boys”, he said maniacally, “get rid of him.”
The boys all stood and surrounded the young would be suitor for their little sister and carried him outside.
David let out a laugh that sent shivers down Jessi’s spine. He was glad to have gotten to the bottom of what was really going on. He was sick and tired of people thinking that they could used his kids and get away with it; especially his girls. They were all Daddy’s little girls. You didn’t fuck with them without having to go through Papa Bear. And that’s what Remy Caldwell had just done and he didn’t make it. Maybe someday his baby girl would meet a guy that was worthy of her, but Remy Caldwell of the band Foresight wasn’t that guy.
Jessi covered her face and tried not to cry in front of her father. She knew now that she was being used. When were guys going to want to be with her because of who she was and not who her father was. She may have been a heavy metal princess, but she was a human being for the love of God! Why couldn’t people understand that?
David saw his little girl trying to not cry in front of him and pulled her into his arms from where she was sitting next to him. “I’m sorry, Jessi baby. I know you wanted him to be the one.”
“Why is it that guys are such assholes, Dad?” she cried into his shirt.
He rubbed a hand up and down her arm. “Honey, most guys only want one thing. In your case, they want more than one thing. They want what you have between your legs and to get close to get to me. If they can get close to you and make you think they love you, then you’ll bring them home to me and I’ll give them a record deal with Intoxication if they can cut it.”
“And that makes them assholes”, she cried. “I think I’m going to go lesbian like Jordan.”
He couldn’t help but laugh. “Baby girl, you big sister is a lesbian because she’s not attracted to men. Women have always gotten her attention because that’s who she’s attracted to.”
“Are you saying that I can’t be attracted to women too?” She sat up from where her head was laying on her father’s chest.
“No, Jessi, dear. I’m saying that’s all that Jordan’s ever really been attracted to. If you’re attracted to women as well, then more power to you, but it doesn’t make you a lesbian because you’re also attracted to men.”
“Then what does it make me?”
“Ask your mother that question. I’m officially uncomfortable talking about it.”
When Brie came back into the Kitchen she looked around. “Where are the boys?”
“Getting rid of my loser ex- boyfriend”, Jessi skulked.
“So he confessed did he?”
“Not only that, love”, David said with a laugh. “He started crying.”
“Did James do the salt and pepper shaker thing?”
“No, ‘Miah did. And the boy broke down. I think I heard the motorcycle start up not too long ago, but that could mean that the boys are still playing up the psycho bit and trying to run him over with his own bike.”
“Our boys wouldn’t do that”, Brie laughed, but she knew better. Her sons were just as vindictive as their father and her combined. And that could be a very frightening prospect to say the very least.
“Hey, Mom, when you like both men and women, what are you called?” Jessi asked
“Bisexual. Why do you ask, Jessykah?”
“Cause Dad was too chicken shit to tell me about it. He got to what it’s called and whimped out.”
“Did you really, David?”
“Yes. I did. The conversation got a little uncomfortable for me, so I threw that ball in your court”, he answered matter- or- factly.
“How did it even come up?”
“I asked Dad why guys were assholes and told him that I was going to go lesbian like Jordan”, Jessi explained to her mother.
“Wow. I honestly don’t know what to say to that, Jessykah. If that’s what you want to do, then more power to you, I guess.”
OMG!!! that was too funny! Little shit got what was coming to him...
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